This morning, as I’m reading through old notes, I came across a note from one of our ladies the day after our announcement about our pastor’s fall. It is interesting to read it two years later, and I thought the raw emotion of her “day after” thoughts would help you know how serious a pastor’s fall really is. It’s a life changing event, and to express that here are Stephanie’s words:
After receiving shocking news yesterday, I spent the morning reading all the blogs that I could find that were written by people from my church. I found myself with an intense desire to connect with other people and find out what their thoughts and feelings are. The result? I find myself feeling incredibly blessed to be a member of such an amazing church family. The grace and love illustrated in those blogs that I found and read was overwhelming.
I don’t know what I could possibly say that would encourage others the way that I have been encouraged by others; yet, I feel myself driven to start one of these crazy blog things of my own. Maybe all this will do is help me to get to know these people and help them to get to know me. If that is all I get from writing, that would be worth it.
What happened yesterday was shocking and heartbreaking. I find myself unable to stop dwelling on it. I get distracted by something the kids say or do, only to get stuck right back with thoughts of yesterday’s news. Maybe writing about it will help me close that door, if just for a little while. But, I just don’t know what to say.
I feel such a great hurt for the family, for EVERYBODY in the family. I feel such a longing to DO something. What? I have no idea. What could I possibly do that would be worth anything to them? Nothing. They don’t even know me. All I can do is pray for them. And that is what I will do. I will pray for their healing. I will pray for the healing of our amazing church family. I will pray that people will have forgiving spirits and that they will choose to support the healing of everyone involved. I will pray for the good that the Lord will bring out of this.
I feel a great sense of loss. I was supposed to experience the legendary teaching of a wise woman in a class about mothering this fall. I feel robbed of her ministry. I am comforted in the knowledge that there are still other women with wisdom to share with us. Yet, my emotions are still screaming “It’s not fair!” It’s not fair to lose the opportunity to learn from such a great teacher either. I am feeling very selfish in that. How…..human of me, I suppose.
I am a bit scared as well. I don’t particularly like change. A big change like this is scary. What will happen next? How will the people of our church react? People have told me to expect a drop of at least 50%. That is scary because my job depends on people coming to church as well as the giving of those people. But, besides my job security, I love those people, and their kids, who I care for and I don’t want to lose their presence in my life. Once again, I am being selfish.
There is a man out there. I wonder what he is feeling? I wonder what he is thinking? I wish I could embrace him and tell him that it will be okay. Somehow it will be okay. I wish I could tell him that he has my support, not my judgement. That he has my love, not my anger. That he has my understanding, not my criticism.
There is a woman out there. I wonder how she is feeling right now. How will she begin the healing? I wish I could embrace her and tell her that I understand. That she has my support and love. I am in awe of her strength….to sit through all four services yesterday. Truely amazing. I wish to thank her for her show of support at a time when she was in such great need of support for herself.
What can I say? What can I do? I don’t know. I don’t know.
We are all human. We are all fallen. We are all sinners.
How wonderful is it that there is a God who is always forgiving and will always love us?
It is beyond comprehension.