Thoughts two years later

This morning, as I’m reading through old notes, I came across a note from one of our ladies the day after our announcement about our pastor’s fall.  It is interesting to read it two years later, and I thought the raw emotion of her “day after” thoughts would help you know how serious a pastor’s fall really is.  It’s a life changing event, and to express that here are Stephanie’s words:

What can I say?

After receiving shocking news yesterday, I spent the morning reading all the blogs that I could find that were written by people from my church. I found myself with an intense desire to connect with other people and find out what their thoughts and feelings are. The result? I find myself feeling incredibly blessed to be a member of such an amazing church family. The grace and love illustrated in those blogs that I found and read was overwhelming.

I don’t know what I could possibly say that would encourage others the way that I have been encouraged by others; yet, I feel myself driven to start one of these crazy blog things of my own. Maybe all this will do is help me to get to know these people and help them to get to know me. If that is all I get from writing, that would be worth it.

What happened yesterday was shocking and heartbreaking. I find myself unable to stop dwelling on it. I get distracted by something the kids say or do, only to get stuck right back with thoughts of yesterday’s news. Maybe writing about it will help me close that door, if just for a little while. But, I just don’t know what to say.

I feel such a great hurt for the family, for EVERYBODY in the family. I feel such a longing to DO something. What? I have no idea. What could I possibly do that would be worth anything to them? Nothing. They don’t even know me. All I can do is pray for them. And that is what I will do. I will pray for their healing. I will pray for the healing of our amazing church family. I will pray that people will have forgiving spirits and that they will choose to support the healing of everyone involved. I will pray for the good that the Lord will bring out of this.

I feel a great sense of loss. I was supposed to experience the legendary teaching of a wise woman in a class about mothering this fall. I feel robbed of her ministry. I am comforted in the knowledge that there are still other women with wisdom to share with us. Yet, my emotions are still screaming “It’s not fair!” It’s not fair to lose the opportunity to learn from such a great teacher either. I am feeling very selfish in that. How…..human of me, I suppose.

I am a bit scared as well. I don’t particularly like change. A big change like this is scary. What will happen next? How will the people of our church react? People have told me to expect a drop of at least 50%. That is scary because my job depends on people coming to church as well as the giving of those people. But, besides my job security, I love those people, and their kids, who I care for and I don’t want to lose their presence in my life. Once again, I am being selfish.

There is a man out there. I wonder what he is feeling? I wonder what he is thinking? I wish I could embrace him and tell him that it will be okay. Somehow it will be okay. I wish I could tell him that he has my support, not my judgement. That he has my love, not my anger. That he has my understanding, not my criticism.

There is a woman out there. I wonder how she is feeling right now. How will she begin the healing? I wish I could embrace her and tell her that I understand. That she has my support and love. I am in awe of her strength….to sit through all four services yesterday. Truely amazing. I wish to thank her for her show of support at a time when she was in such great need of support for herself.

What can I say? What can I do? I don’t know. I don’t know.

We are all human. We are all fallen. We are all sinners.
How wonderful is it that there is a God who is always forgiving and will always love us?
It is beyond comprehension.

One response to “Thoughts two years later

  1. i am impressed by your words our church just found out about our pastor at first i was in shock but when i got home i cried my eyes out and today at work i was like a zombie just kept working and working im sure of my feelings of what has happened but i know that there is something better for ur church and i will try to be a big support for my christian brothers and sisters i think my church is still in shock but when it was told to us on wednesday the church was very clam funny how good GODS GRACE was in that moment, the saddest part was how all these youg girls who just loved my pastor were crying,,,, how can i help them how can i help myself i loved that family so much and the wife was an honest loving kind woman that i love dearly and i miss herdearley…. i guess thats what hurts more is that it was her good friend who tried to steal our pastor from her…..oh and by the way he confronted this by calling the counsil in his office and coming open on this….and they are getting council and have left back to the main church where he will step down for a while i think he confronted the situation ok by showing the phone to the counsil and the wife good thing nothing physical happend it was just texting and by phone……but there is a but.
    i saw this sister who is also married faunt herself at the pastor and would just rome around him, i thought my pastor was stronger but ill be praying even harder for his family and him to……

    i just dont understand every thing, he did, he did not love his church and his people i know he is human but what about GOD and his people, funny he preach all the time on infidelity i think he was trying to come out but he didnt know how and it wierd but i feel like you, just go and embrace them and say every thing will be ok but its not many people who followed him are heart broken some of us women in the church had unfaithfull spouses….

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